Why do we do it?

I am alive in this field of white.
I dance between oceans
I ride waves like fingers ride pages
I crash and leave my mark.

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Everything is prepared like a Christmas family gathering, my mind has set the table even the mood, all is prepared for the perfect writing conditions
I have found a time to sit and write, I have found a space to write.
I am excited about this sitting, book and pen ready, I will write! Everything is set up, even have a glass of wine ready.
Now I will write! Great music already inspires me, sturs my heart.
Now I will write!
I sit.
I think…
Let me try to see if I can get this app right, what if I can earn money on the side I will have more time to write let me go do some research, I heard of this thing, I pause the music, I put the book aside.
My heart flatlines.

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I am now trying things to give me the time and space to write, forgetting I just had it! this is not procrastinating this is suicide.
Why the Fuck do I do this?!?
I can not be the only one, why do we do it?

Born on this ocean of white
God whispered play.
I am excited with this handful of nothing
I will make something, scrape from the void and make a rhyme
How can this be that I create with blank spaces
Is this magic?
God whispered no.
It’s you.
Write.

Why do I keep walking away from what makes me alive?
I do write, I have brilliant moments, yet I know sometimes I avoid it with lame excuses, I feel as if I have a crush on a girl and I am afraid to walk past her because what if I look too long or try to talk to her and stumble over my words better to avoid her, I will walk the long way around.
I do this to my own heart, fear of everything I think, the fear of going all in, all I am doing now is dipping my toes in the water. afraid of jumping and it is not a conscious decision I make, it is very subtle, its fear clothed in distraction or even greener grass I have everything prepared and ready and then I still hunger for better conditions.
Fear, I know it’s you.
Face to face we do not stand.
You are afraid of me, I know.
You fear me.

Being ourselves sometimes feel like the hardest thing to do.
Don’t be fooled by distraction or greener pastures you have everything at your disposal, you have everything you need, you have you.

 

 

I sit on the beach looking out waiting.
Ocean of white, swallow me.
I sit and wait, restless I become.
I sit and wait.
The tides rise and the waves crash
She is an untamed beauty
She is waiting for me to jump.

Thank you for reading
Peace and Love.

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