I am, afraid

Tomorrow I know you are not promised
Forgive me, to have made your shoulders burdened.
I live for you, I miss today far too often.
Tomorrow please come.
Come, and give me one more try to be alive.

I know this is a heavy way to start the week, it feels needed, I have been thinking about being alive for the better part of this year and what it means, (I will not bore you with my pontifications.)
Honestly, I have been overwhelmed and excited and fearful, because of this thought, I just want to be as alive as I can be and not in an adrenaline-filled moment and not in the escapism mindset, I just don’t want to be half alive, I want to be all of who I know I am (not better, not worse) that does not exist, I want to be me.

Today, oh today, today
I am sorry, I know you seek my eyes
My eyes accustom to past and future
I am afraid to look.
Your eyes might reveal the present
It is a gift I feel not worthy of now.
Today, oh my daring today.
Will you knock again tomorrow.
Sigmund Freud “the goal of all life is death” I am sure this has been thought of and debated by far more learned minds than mine, but what I ask myself is what do I do with the “is?” What do I do with the in-between, between life and death?
What is it to is?

Merriam-webster Definition of is
(Entry 1 of 4)
present tense third-person singular of be
dialectal present tense first-person and third-person singular of be
dialectal present tense plural of be.

To is, is to be.
I think with all the coronavirus, talk and a dear friend of mine has lost a family member, to cancer. I realise our fragility again, and that waiting for an unpromised tomorrow seems risky, and who has the odds of tomorrow coming? This is not to create doom and gloom nor speak fear in you, it is more to realise that today is beautiful.


My fear is also a realisation, that I live half, every day I become more and more alive more myself but still, I know there is a lot more of me I keep bottled, I have had this idea of walking down church street it is quite a long and prominent street where I stay and my idea is taking photos of life on this street all of it and capture it in a poem and photo project and yet I sit still because it’s uncomfortable to take photos in the street if it is people or just things, and I am not a photographer so why try and all the shit excuses, I have had this idea since last year and it is still on a shelf gathering dust, and if I die tonight as I write this blog nothing will come of this, close friends might know of the idea but the poem lay buried in a book, and it will not come to life, that makes me afraid, that is sad to me.
The point I making (to myself) is you have the privilege to be alive now live it.

I need to let go of your hand.
Look how the dust has settled.
Thank you for keeping me safe.
I am sorry for holding on so long.
I have heard you beg and plead, I was afraid.
I still am.
Feel my fingertips loosen, it has been time.
Now I will let you move on my friend,
My Yesterday, move on the past has been waiting for you.
As has now been waiting for me.

I hope that you have an amazing week and that you navigate this “is” as alive as possible, now is you, now is the time to be.
Peace and Love.

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