Slowly I release the handbrake and the car starts to roll, the momentum slow but still I fear, so my hand pulls up the handbrake sitting in the driveway I feel safe, not moving.
I am stealing a bit of a phrase from a dear friend, we often go for walks (when it was legal) and on one of the many talks, he talked about letting the handbrake down, letting go of the fear and the safety, now with lockdown as I go on my own back yard walkabouts, I was thinking more about this handbrake, what am I holding on to what do I want safety from, as a young boy wanting to quickly feel the car I let the hand break down and I got this big fright when the car just started to roll, I pulled the handbrake, (bearly moved a meter) sitting there I was afraid that the car would hit something but more than that at that moment I just did not expect that the car would move.
What got me was the unexpected, and I wonder even now if I am afraid for the momentum, that might come with letting down the metaphorical handbrake if I just let go and create, what if I let my hand off the safety that is holding me back and I place both hands on the steering wheel and place my foot on the pedal and…
What I struggle with right now is the unknown, because I do not even know how does it look to lower the brake, I can not say I would do this or that because honestly, I do not know what I am driving, I have ideas, that’s all only ideas, I have to let it down and feel the momentum and feel the weight and roll, that is a hard thing because there is a break by my foot as well, all we are concerned about is safety and danger should be avoided and that is a hard mountain to overcome when you start driving, speed is dangerous but yet you have to put your foot down and gain speed.
When I started learning to drive my foot was heavy on the breaks I would slowly squeeze it down not to jerk the car but my leg would be a ball of muscle as I push down with all the weight of my fear on the peddle, the hard part was releasing, trusting myself and just let go.
Why we hold back is ultimately fear, afraid of something that might go wrong or even that things might go right but what if that is wrong what if I like the speed?
The what-if questions can be endless to a fearful mind.
I really did not enjoy learning to drive, I was so afraid and so tens behind the wheel it was mentally and physically exhausting, and I felt bad for not liking it because it is “manly” to drive and felt that I sucked at it and had no passion for cars nor driving, it revealed a lot of my weaknesses, my insecurities and fear, I am thankful for that.
I had to drive often I had to spend a lot of my time behind the wheel, I had to have that battle with my body, hand let go of the handbrake, foot of the break, okay and now body relax, let go and enjoy this. I had to discover that I can trust the car I can trust myself, I had to realise the freedom, such mobility could give. I had to feel the wind rushing through an open window, I had to realise that there were parts to driving I did enjoy, I had to spend time in the car and on the road to become fully aware of all this.
Time took away the fog of fear, time revealed the truth, now that is what I must do.
I have to spend time with writing and discover why my hand holds on to the break, why I fear what I fear and discover what I enjoy and what I do not enjoy, I need to spend time to learn how to trust myself, and I have to learn to let go of the breaks by feeling how often I tens and step on the brakes by making mistakes and facing fears only then I will understand how the brakes work and why they are there, so I guess I am going for a drive, key in the ignition, engine on, windows open, music on, deep breath, hand brake down…
Thank you for reading.
Peace and Love.