I like to control what I can, I am not a “control freak” (whatever that is) but I like to be able to control what I can, that is one of the reasons I do not have interest in drugs and stay away from being drunk because I just want to be able to operate my body as I know I can, I even did not like the idea of anaesthesia, it makes me sleepy whether I chose to or not hmm I don’t like that.
But with time, you learn to give away your control, or at least the control you thought you had.
Control the thing we first need to lose to realise we never had it, if you look I think most of the world went about their day thinking they know what will be the struggle of the day and plotting and planning how to beat it. Problem: tomorrow I need to wake up early, solution: I will go to bed two hours earlier than usual solved I am in control problem: traffic, solution: other road solved every day we did this dance and then BOOM! coronavirus don’t go to work… Did we have control before then?
Sorry I digress, what this blog is about is letting go, and realising we are not in control of other peoples lives it sound like an obvious thing to say but its a hard realisation when friends and family are facing troubled times and you can do nothing but be witness to the unravelling of their story.
Seeing someone battle sickness and you can not heal them or even take away the pain is a dreadful feeling, you realise there was no control.
Seeing loved ones chose unhealthy or painful choices and being unable to do anything is honestly painful, you realise we have freedom of choice we have freedom of how we see things, not that I wish I could control them or I think my choices would be better, but seeing someone holding on to a burning pot with there bare hands and not letting go you can not help stand on the sideline screaming LET THE FUCKING POT GO!!!
Sometimes what they hold seems worth it if I can see it or not, does not matter for them this pot destroying their hands is worth holding on to, but you still stand and witness their hands disintegrate and they even might say help it is burning and you can scream again let go, but that’s not what they want to hear.
Letting go of control which I never had is one of the hardest things for me I love my friends and families hands, but letting go is not turning away it is not judging it is smelling burnt flesh and being ready, for whatever happens.
I am still not sure what to do with the pot and the hands, but I know I love my family and love my friends, and that is what I hope to do is assure them that no matter what I love them, as they love me with my burning hands and pots.