I don’t feel it.
I don’t know if I ever will, feel it.
I wonder was I skipped when the teacher said to pass this around
I will just say I did not have a turn
I wonder how it feels could you tell me
could you tell me how it feels to be ready
Today’s blog might read a little sad, and it might be because I am, a little sad, honestly I am not sure what I feel because I know I am good but if I start to think I rush through it all, as if my emotions are a full course meal on one plate I every bite different, starting with main and then staters, then snacks afternoon tea then deserts, then can I take your order, sir?
so forgive if this is a bit cluttered and erratic but I don’t like hiding what is true, when I started this blog I decided that it will document my path, focused on writing, and slip in the whatever I might feel, as a turn and a stop is part of the path.
I remember when I was young and my mother would ask are you ready for school? I ate, my teeth brushed, my clothes on, bag packed, I looked the part of ready, but I did not feel that I wanted to go, was I not ready? but I did go and the next day I will look ready again.
I did not fake it till I make it, most of my family and friends knew I hated school, but it was hide and seek to me, ready or not here I come,
so I went eventually making peace with what school is.
On the other hand, there was drama, I still can not imagine my life without that nudge I know in my bones this was God opening a door leaving bread crumbs and a light on inside the room, and I followed and looking back with gratitude ever since.
I was introduced to drama in first grade and there is a lot to this story for other days but I did poetry and standing behind the stage and someone will come by check if all the kids are good and ready to go recite their poem, some might ask the question are you ready, always said yes, but not sure what the feeling of ready felt like, I knew my poem I knew what to do, I had nerves and excitement mixture inside of me, but was I ready?
You say yes because if you say know that means something is wrong, it means you can not do it, there is a problem or something, I had none of that but did I feel ready?
I practised taekwondo, quite intense for a good couple of years and when you go to the tournament and or even just in class before sparing somewhere someone will ask you, are you ready, I am dressed, have my headgear on and gums in, belt tight, warmed up, so I guess so, but who is ready to be kicked in the head? one does not hope to be, but does being ready mean I know I won’t get kicked or is it me making peace that I will get kicked?
What I am trying to write is, I have been disqualifying myself to be a “writer” because I do not feel ready, I don’t know what the freaking means, I feel so excited and inspired by, stories and good poetry and my whole life it has never left me only small moments I have neglected to notice it, but this makes me awake, this brings fire to my heart, I feel it I want to do it, but I don’t feel ready, I am sometimes not even sure if I am dressed or if my teeth are brushed, I am afraid to feel if I have headgear on because what happens if I feel and I have nothing on, does that mean I am not ready?
What I am thinking is, I went to school, maybe I was prepared or maybe I forgot a book or a task but I went, I stepped on stage maybe I was prepared as can be but at that moment a word slipped, or I was sick or there was a mix up with the props, I still went on stage, I did my training, I did my conditioning, I am standing in front of my opponent, I prepared but was it the right preparation for this fight for this opponent on this day, maybe I did not sleep well or I had a minor injure just the night before, but I stepped on the mat and there we are toe to toe.
I don’t know if I know what it feels like to be ready, I think I don’t know, but I think I am starting to feel not ready, I am not sure, but here I am in front of a blank page, keyboard pen and highlighter at hand, music and no gross cold coffee,
Am I ready?
I am here.
Thank you for reading!
Peace and Love.