I cant find it.

It has been there all along, you know the keys in your pocket, turning the house over and searching getting mad and frustrated, feeling time a minute feels like four, time is taking and you don’t want to be late, all I want is the keys.
Wait they have been in my pocket the whole time, it’s been there all along.

What I am about to write I know to be true, but to know the truth and to believe the truth is another thing entirely, well at least it feels like it to me.
Often we seek thing like keys and we always had it, it was in our pocket or somewhere close to us, I remember once I woke up and wondered what the time was, but there was no clock or watch so naturally I reach for my phone, but it’s not there, now the problem, it is dark it is still night and I need a light so naturally, I grab my phone unlock it to let the screen give me that much-needed light, I am unsure for how long but it was longer than thirty seconds I was searching my phone with my phone.
When I noticed what I was doing I felt embraced and laugh lay my head back down and remembered oh I wanted to see the time, obviously, I needed some more sleep, honestly, I can’t remember if I even checked the time, don’t think it mattered.

I often feel like I lack something, the scenario almost does not matter, if it is talking to a girl I just met, don’t I have enough muscle or style to have good first impressions, if it is writing a blog I am not smart entertaining enough, I need more skill, I need more charm, sometimes I even feel that I need something to be amongst my friends that there, will be a day when the bill of friendship will pass my table and I am just not going to have enough.
That is a big fear that there will be this moment in your life where you just can’t pay the bill, imagine taking someone out for diner and you fear the order they make because you playing it close to the chest and all seems fine, until its time to pay and then, your math was a bit off, you can’t pay.

There is a scene in This is us, season three, (might be some spoilers but nothing big) You see that Jack is taking Rebeca out on their first date but he only has five dollars (not sure about the amount) they go to a carnival he pays the entry fee and treats her with a hot chocolate and toffee apple, bought nothing for himself, his cash is running out, and it’s starting to lightly rain Rebeca sees someone selling umbrellas for two dollars, and that is all Jack has decided not to buy the umbrella with hopes that he can still let her play a game, because who takes a girl to a carnival and not let her play a game, needless to say, this dampens their date and he drives her home, and before she climbs out they have a talk and he explains the whole reason he refused to buy the umbrella, they have a beautiful moment in the car.

this-is-us-season-3-promo-1536868016
I can imagine that moment in my own life, you don’t want to buy the umbrella and next thing she says let’s go play a game and now you can’t the bill, the moment, you could not measure up.

The keys, my phone, and Jack, it’s all been there all along, with Jack I strongly believe the date was saved by that talk in the car where Jack did not hide and spoke his heart it was Jack who won Rebecca’s heart, not the game or the money or the no umbrella it was Jack.
My phone was obviously always there even if I searched for it with the thing itself, I did not have to see the time because it did not matter even that was there always I was tired and needed some rest no matter the time.
The keys are often found where you last placed it, the place you always hang the keys or in your pocket or maybe you “pulled a Richard” and it’s in your hands.

What I am about to write I know to be true, but to know the truth and to believe the truth is another thing entirely,
The blogs, the poetry, the first impressions, all that I thought lacking and went in search for it has always been there all along, in my hands in my heart, I am the key, I am the light, I am Richard. I know this and hope to truly believe it, but this truth is not just mine this is true for you as well, you are in your hand, you have always been.
The bill will never be beyond your means because you are enough, there is no bill there is no scale.

You are the key, You are the light, You are you.

Thank you for reading
Peace and Love.

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