I am searching in pockets and between couch cushions, but I am finding no change.
I hope my prayers reach God, I hope He has some change to spare.
I was in grade three when we moved, I said goodbye to the only house I knew then, and with excitement and anticipation welcomed this new house, it was very different, felt so much larger and
I was planning all the new things I would do, my heart was filled with the excitement of mystery and the anticipation of change.
Certainly, the house was vastly different than the one before but we were not, we stayed unchanged and we brought the same spirit and believes the same mindset to this new house we started calling home.
My parents, they do not have the best relationship, and fighting was a common thing growing up, and moving did not change that, the fights continued, how they fight also changed through the years but it stayed fighting and the reasons are very similar and sadly they still fight to this day.
Change did not come and often there was something that might promise change death in the family when they decided to get marriage counselling, or whatever it was to try and improve on their relationship, they honestly love each other and want to make it work but it seems that there is no change to spare.
The years pass on and change seems always so close, always around the corner and maybe it does but if it does it honestly just does not seem like enough.
I have written before about how I fear circles how I don’t want to be stuck in a loop where nothing really, gets changed where it’s like moving, it is just a new package housing the same war, the same fight, the same mind, the same spirit.
I am terrified that I am stuck in a loop fated to repeat things in different clothes, I wonder what is the cost of change, what does it take to run a straight line breaking free from this repeat?
I have been trying or at least I think so, but somehow I still see the patterns in my life, starting things and not finishing them, being interested in a girl and kind of peruse her but not really, my life often feels like ice skating, I stay close to the sides always just a stretch away from safety because I am afraid, I push away from the corner but I still know that a small lunge to the side will bring me to that stable ground and I will be safe, stuck in this circle never venturing towards the centre, I feel how I push away but still I don’t make the brave change of going for it, stuck to witness how others slip and fall and succeed as they gather in the middle describing how they got there I am only an unchanged witness, or well it feels that way.
What I know is I am vastly different from two years ago, almost every day I feel how I am becoming more myself, I see how I have grown in courage I see more clearly what I need to do and often I still don’t but now more than ever I am doing, I am finishing tasks and speaking up more often my once agented angry fist now only shows old scars of past anger, now I see that I have not just changed but I have realised who I am.
Still, I fear that I might not see things and I am still on a loop, I talk to my mother often and it seems to never end for them, it breaks my heart.
All I know is that change is not an action you take change is what happens when you see the truth, the truth is realising who you are, I had to realise that I am not a mistake that I am loved that I am good that I am a child of God.
I do not know what will inspire change but I am praying for it, I do not know the cost of change nor how to inspire it, all I know is that when ice skating, seeing what is possible is inspiring, so I am letting go of the sides more often and I trust that what I have realised is not just a truth but that it is Truth.
Truth that lives in all of us so I let go, I trust and I stumble and to the middle and I discover that we all can do this.
Change cannot be discovered in pockets or couches no lucky coin to pick up. Change is what happens when we discover Truth.