Running, towards an unknown horizon, he laughs.
Strings of attachment bands on his mind
Held back by his thoughts
Waiting, waiting for something to happen, but what must happen?
That is the question I am asking myself now, why have I stopped?
For what am I waiting?
Momentum was on my side everything moving and now I feel how I am slowing down, I am waiting for something to be resolved which might never be resolved, this is a frustrating place to be.
Here I am moving forward I am writing every day, I am writing new poems, and the projects moving forward, all is good, but this week I am struggling to focus because there are things in the back of my mind, things that feel unsettled I hear it as if someone on the far end of the room is clicking their pen, you don’t realise that you notice it at first but then the more you seem to struggle to focus the more agitated you feel, till you realise that the pen is being clicked.
Click, how is my family in Pretoria?
Click, what is the solution?
Click, must I help?
Click, how do I help?
Click, I need to write but what?
Click, how do I make this go faster to start earning money?
Click, click, click….
We all know the clicks, we all have them the things bothering us in the back of our minds and I believe that now the clicking has been loud for many of us with a pandemic, and the injustice around the world, a lot is happening now, and the clicks become deafening, how do stay focused?
This week the clicks have been extremely loud, louder than usual and I have been struggling to keep my head about me, what I have been doing is giving it space to entertain it I go outside walk in the field talk to God, ponder about life and entertain the worries, with the hope if I give it some airtime that my mind will find rest with that trouble, and then when I come to sit and write, my mind for at least awhile feels more clear, I think it’s more about learning to let go, I struggle with letting go because I love my family, and I want them to find peace and clarity but I am not sure how, I have no answers to their struggle and heart break, and it’s not letting go of them its letting go of the answer its letting go of the no control, I find this tremendously difficult, and witnessing everything in the world you can find yourself in this dead space where you just float hoping and waiting the pieces just fall together, waiting for peace and “normal” to happen to live normally as usual.
I feel how I slow down, I feel how I worry about my family, I feel the hopeless ocean rising within me, and I feel.
Walking outside entertaining the worries I wonder when last have I entertained the good and beautiful, it is not to ignore the bad but it is to encourage light, it is to know that the sun eventually shines on everything.
I hope that the clicks is a song and I am just missing some instruments, there is music to be made and light to shine.
Thank you all again for reading.
Peace and Love.