Thinking is not what I thought.
I went for a walk a long walk, thinking about life its beauty its trouble and all the things in between, I pondered about blogging and poetry and writing about what success is and why I feel sometimes caught and stuck.
I have some answers to some of the questions but something that became apparent was the ability to think.
I have realised that often I am just in autopilot and that I am not present nor was I making a conscious effort to think, a day can go by and we barely have to think because routine and muscle memory makes that easy wake up, make bed, go pee, wash hands, (hopefully) get something to drink, just float from one task to the next and there might be some struggles along the way but even solving them becomes a pattern, we mostly know what struggle we will face.
Before writing, often the story or the idea feels far too big and overwhelming, then think about thinking about it can scare you away, or at least often times that is how I felt, it felt as if I had to build Rome in a day, or at least know how it will look before I even placed pen to paper, what I am learning almost daily is that an idea grows it is a seed that you must love and water for it to grow.
Siting I thought about the things \I want to write but realised I mentally just skimmed over them, I was afraid to dive in deep to an idea because what if I have no answer to the story, what if I do not know what to do with the plot, what if, what if, what if, and between all the what if’s I did not spend one thought on it, I have become really good at skimming over things and not sitting and honestly think about the thing, same goes for the troubles we face, it can be difficult to look beyond the pain of the problem and fear waits by the solutions with a thousand what-if questions, and then we freeze we stand still and say I do not know what to do or where to go.
Thinking clear and open, about the obstacles feels refreshing and rewarding when you realise that it is within you, the potential to solve the trouble that you face the thing you are writing about or your challenging dream the solutions is there inside of you, just by walking or sitting undistracted and to clearly think answers will come, might bring more questions with it, but realising that you can is an amazing feeling, I admired the ability of the brain today, I sat thinking about this place I am stuck in a story with which I am busy with and an answer revealed itself to me and I have just spent ten or fifteen minutes thinking about it not worrying, thinking.
That is my struggle when it comes to more personal matters, instead of thinking I am worrying, and that I still find difficult to do, not to worry.
Worry, go away.
Worry, why do you stay.
Worry, because of you I miss the day.
Worry, worry, worry, worry.
There is not much to say but for now, stay out my way.
Friends, there are things I still need to think about and things that still press upon my heart, but today I celebrate this small feeling, a tiny victory when I sat in a field of thought and discovered that I can write a story.
Small but true. Like me. Small but true.
Peace and Love.