A cloud can block out the sun.
(I disagree with the dictionary) Fragility and weakness are not the same.
Last week with all the “small things”, blogs, I felt weak and as if I was floating into, great dark spaces.
I was consistently a moment away from tears, being a puddle of mush, and there was no great big battle that happened, no tragedy that I had to deal with, for the most part, my week was great, I have a privileged life, yet I could not see it, and being aware that I could not see it made me more blind, I felt so fallible, that I was just making mistakes after mistakes.
I felt as if I was porcelain swept up by a tornado waiting for the crash, breaking is not what I thought it was I thought for a long while that crying is breaking that taping out is breaking. This week that has past reminded me different than taping out is admitting that this armbar, places my elbow and shoulder in a fragile place, it’s not weak but at this moment in this possession, they are fragile I need to tap and that is more than okay, actually please tap (a broken arm or torn muscles is not being strong.)
Am I fragile? Is that okay?
I went on a walk with none other than Mark, I was wearing a hoody I had from childhood but I cut the sleeves off so it still fits me, after the walk Mark requested if he could take some photos of this goofy hoodie.
We had fun in his studio and in-between all the different poses and playing he opened a draw and within that draw a little old box of fragile stickers, so old it has lost most of its stickiness, so I guess it was more like (“fallers”) he asked could he stick some of this on and take some photos, not the strangest request to come out this friendship.
He started sticking them on my face, these small pieces of orange none sticky fragile stickers, I was trying to stand still and not move, not speaking because that might cause some of them to fall, my mind drifted to the word fragile and honestly, I felt weak, moments away from a, “an episode” (a, days of our lives episode), but as he kept on sticking more on, with a press on the bridge of my nose and another press on the head I felt that this word is beautiful, a word that might seem timid and broken a word that now covers my face and one question popped in my head…
I am feeling weak, but am I fragile? Is that okay? (that’s a statement and two questions)
Fuck yeah, I am fragile, not weak.
I am in a vulnerable place like an elbow or shoulder in an armbar, I am a bit exposed and vulnerable there is nothing weak about that. I am emotional and tiered I am alive and experiencing this beautiful winter, shivering just means that you are feeling, sometimes painful but wonderful to feel what is a world without feeling, before the walk and the photos I was cycling on my way to their house and I dressed warm prepared for a Bethlehem winter but I forgot one thing (it seems to always slip my mind) gloves my fingers were feeling the winter at its best I had to cycle with my hands in my pockets (Don’t follow my example)
Feeling the, not feeling my fingers, were painfully beautiful I can experience how they warm as I hold a cup of coffee or feel.
After I arrived, we went for a walk on a path, expected to be forlorn, trampled bare, by the winter, how delighted we were to be wrong.
It was as if our eyes suddenly could see, as if we had an ultra-high-definition vision, the quite seemed to highlight how beautiful the morning sun cascaded down the cliff and broke through the trees, everything was crisp and clear it was beautiful, a beauty that needs to be experienced it was even more than we expect on a beautiful day.
To see this hidden beauty in its winter, was a privilege it was stunning and gorgeous.
I believe us to be the same we go through winters we experience seasons in our lives and each season my bring some struggle and pain, but to feel it to experience it does not make you weak, you might just be a beauty in a fragile place.
Thank you for reading.
Peace and Love.