Vending God

Standing with coins in my pocket, I face this giant with lights and buttons filled with colors I have to choose, which sugary treats will be worth my coins. Having made my choice, a packet of sour worms, I wonder was it the right choice was it a fair trade the packet is quite small, and someone next to me walked away with Astros did I make the right choice?

When I look back at my life I see that most of my life I have lived according to the exchange rate, I have swapped almost everything for everything, when I was young it was simple homework for playtime, and sometimes it would be a Pikachu, Meowth, Bulbasaur, for a Charizard.
Now I see that I made many transactions often unspoken ones, exchanges to be excepted and liked, exchanges that would only coast to conform not knowing I was actually exchanging myself, rather not wear this shirt, this one is “cool” rather not go barefoot, or whatever it was was small exchanges, unseen and almost unnoticed.
I have realized that to this day I still live with this exchange rate, what we call manners often is only exchange for being accepted, walk barefoot in a mall and see what happens, fart loudly while walking down the street, I can hear all the buts and protesting. We force smile and wave because if you don’t then you will be perceived as nasty or mean

I have seen how this exchange rate has influenced my relationships, and even how I saw and treated God. I often treated friendship as a trade you buy today I will tomorrow, a message for a message, a gift for a gift, I could not be the only one receiving nor the only one giving, we all have heard it or even said it, earn my respect, that’s saying earn my kindness, love, and my friendship what are you exchanging to be in my circle?
I often worked for love or friendships I did this trade subconsciously because that is how it worked it was how life is all around me.

Dear God I will stop swearing if you can just let me win this one time, God I know I have been bad but I won’t be anymore if you can just help me out this one time, the exchange prayers are endless, we even live in a state of constant exchange, God I give you a good life as good as I can in exchange for heaven, ever wonder what you did wrong when things go wrong in your life, today was shit but yesterday I was rude to that other teller and now I got what was coming to me, my bad deeds in exchange for punishment, and sometimes we chuck a coin into the vending God and two cokes roll out instead of one, and that might of been because I was exceptionally good, the exchanges are endless.

I still catch myself bargaining with God, I want to go on this trip, I explain why it would be good and what good I will do, I want to earn more money so I lay my budget down before him with hopes that it would reveal that I will be good for this raise or more income, here God I will give you this if you could give me that, God here is my talent it’s for you now please help me publish, or God here is my voice I will sing for you as if singing can ever be void of God as if our talent is separate of God.
I wonder it and heard it form others; I did not use my talent for God so God took it away, what a bad investment God made in me, I only gave my voice for money and fame, now I have lost it all, what a tragic exchange.

I can only speak for myself, with no relationship exchange makes sense because we believe in the worth of things and actions, not in the worth of self, I think this is probably one of the greatest lies we believe and that is that we are not enough or not worthy by just being us.
We are.
You are.
I am.

Dear God, I won’t… again, if you can just…

Standing with coins in my pocket, I face this giant with lights and buttons filled with colors I have to choose, which sugary treats will be worth my coins. Having made my choice, a packet of sour worms, I wonder was it the right choice was it a fair trade the packet is quite small, and someone next to me walked away with Astros did I make the right choice?

When I look back at my life I see that most of my life I have lived according to the exchange rate, I have swapped almost everything for everything, when I was young it was simple homework for playtime, and sometimes it would be a Pikachu, Meowth, Bulbasaur, for a Charizard.
Now I see that I made many transactions often unspoken ones, exchanges to be excepted and liked, exchanges that would only coast to conform not knowing I was actually exchanging myself, rather not wear this shirt, this one is “cool” rather not go barefoot, or whatever it was was small exchanges, unseen and almost unnoticed.
I have realized that to this day I still live with this exchange rate, what we call manners often is only exchange for being accepted, walk barefoot in a mall and see what happens, fart loudly while walking down the street, I can hear all the buts and protesting. We force smile and wave because if you don’t then you will be perceived as nasty or mean

I have seen how this exchange rate has influenced my relationships, and even how I saw and treated God. I often treated friendship as a trade you buy today I will tomorrow, a message for a message, a gift for a gift, I could not be the only one receiving nor the only one giving, we all have heard it or even said it, earn my respect, that’s saying earn my kindness, love, and my friendship what are you exchanging to be in my circle?
I often worked for love or friendships I did this trade subconsciously because that is how it worked it was how life is all around me.

Dear God I will stop swearing if you can just let me win this one time, God I know I have been bad but I won’t be anymore if you can just help me out this one time, the exchange prayers are endless, we even live in a state of constant exchange, God I give you a good life as good as I can in exchange for heaven, ever wonder what you did wrong when things go wrong in your life, today was shit but yesterday I was rude to that other teller and now I got what was coming to me, my bad deeds in exchange for punishment, and sometimes we chuck a coin into the vending God and two cokes roll out instead of one, and that might of been because I was exceptionally good, the exchanges are endless.

I still catch myself bargaining with God, I want to go on this trip, I explain why it would be good and what good I will do, I want to earn more money so I lay my budget down before him with hopes that it would reveal that I will be good for this raise or more income, here God I will give you this if you could give me that, God here is my talent it’s for you now please help me publish, or God here is my voice I will sing for you as if singing can ever be void of God as if our talent is separate of God.
I wonder it and heard it form others; I did not use my talent for God so God took it away, what a bad investment God made in me, I only gave my voice for money and fame, now I have lost it all, what a tragic exchange.

I can only speak for myself, with no relationship exchange makes sense because we believe in the worth of things and actions, not in the worth of self, I think this is probably one of the greatest lies we believe and that is that we are not enough or not worthy by just being us.
We are.
You are.
I am.

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